and the same record plays...

im so sorry that i haven't been posting you guys. these last couple of days have been very hard. im trying to get a resraining order against my own father. he put his hands on me and i can't believe it. he hasn't seen me since thanksgiving and the first thing he does to me, new year and all, is put his hands on me. i thought that maybe i could start off with a clean slate with him because it's a new year but obviously i can't. and i made up my mind that i never want to see him again and if he tries to get in contact with me i want him to go to jail. im officially done with him. but im on punishment for six months because i was drinking, so my mom took away my ipod, my phone and my laptop, that's why i haven't been blogging much, but there's always the school computers so it's all good. the punishment isn't even whats killing me. everyday since the assault i've been having flashbacks of times where my father has made me cry or made me scared or made me mad to the point that i felt like i wanted him  dead, and i hate going back to that. it's like a record that keeps playing in my mind with the same sad ass song playing. that shit is depressing and im tired of it. people say im wrong for wanting a restraining order but they don' t understand. before thanksgiving i havent seen my "dad" for over a year. he doesn't call me for any holidays and my birthday is no exception. everytime i talk to him it's the hardest moments i have to go through in my year. it's so hard and im almost on the verge of tears but i have to be strong. im gonna get that order and i hope he stays put if my life. he hasn't been in it for a minute and i won't allow him to just come into it when he feels like it, im not letting that shit go down.